Tattoo You

Another great story, I'm not sure if you were around for it or not. You know, Dirk Dirksen (promoter at the MABUHAY GARDENS and the ON BROADWAY if somebody doesn't know already) had the heart of a true anarchist in him. When the Rolling Stones did their TATTOO YOU tour, (they were going to play Candlestick Park) we all cooked up a great scam. The Stones were known for sometimes doing unannounced and unpublicized shows at small clubs. That was the key to the plan. So, Dirk purposely didn't fill any band names into the Mab calendar for the night before the Stones show. Then, a few nights before the actual show, the story was leaked to a local reporter for the S.F. Chronicle (one known for not keeping secrets, I think it was Herb Cane) that a band called "TATTOO" was going to do a secret show at the Mab. Of course, the reporter extrapolated that it was actually The Rolling Stones and printed the story, which was quickly picked up and repeated as gospel by the television news stations. It took us nearly 45 minutes to drive the few blocks to the Mab that night. Traffic throughout all of North Beach was gridlocked and the overflow of pedestrians spilling off the curbs 12 deep wasn't helping. A huge banner was draped across the front of the Mab, stating: TATTOO IS A LOCAL BAND. But rather than defuse the problem, it just sold the scam even more. We barely pulled the equipment van into the alley before the police closed down traffic completely.The crowd swelled so huge it completely filled up the street. Traffic snarl had even effected tourists to Fisherman's Wharf nearly a mile away! Dirk met us at the side door, BEAMING a smile a mile wide.

The TV networks, MTV, the whole friggin media had fallen for it and had their cameras set up inside trying to film everything, while being jostled by the WAY over capacity crowd. We quickly set up our equipment as the SRO audience started going nuts. Then, Undead Guitarist Joe Dirt started the long lead in to our song "Undead Anthem". As I was in the Mab backstage waiting for my cue, the stage door opened, and in walks Mick Jagger and some bodyguards! He'd heard the rumor too and wanted to see what the real deal was about. He stops almost nose to nose (or should I say nose to chest) with me, looks up, and just shakes his head. I smiled, stuck up my middle finger at him, and walked onstage. He smiled back, laughing out loud when he actually got it. As I sung the first couple lines of the song, I looked over my shoulder to see him still smiling and shaking his head as he and his bodyguards left. Who the Hell knows how he got his limo through that traffic? You see, THE UNDEAD'S job was just to be the opening band in this little scam, but I overachieved my job description by repeatedly talking shit to the crowd, calling them dirty hippies and stupid assholes and stuff (which they were). The angry crowd surged and repeatedly tried to physically grab me around the specially hired security. I'd say "If you touch me, you get kicked out and never get to see the Stones you idiots", or "Do you actually think the Stones will come out if you don't behave yourselves?" and right on cue they'd calm down. Then I'd start goading them again. I thought they'd fucking kill us when we played "JOHN'S DEAD" (to the tune of The Beatles "Today is your birthday"):
John's dead
Got shot
He bled
A whole lot
Bullets ripped right through his shirt
I hope that it fucking hurt.

But they all would quickly quiet down again when reminded of possible arrest or not seeing the Stones. Haha "Now-now, didn't John Lennon say give peace a chance?" then I'd start in again. Flashing the peace sign, then turning my hand around to flip them off. Dirk loved the spectacle. .So much that he also sold out and packed the One Broadway theater upstairs to catch some of the overflow outside, and added a second show. I walked off stage with the parting words "Fuck the Sex Pistols.Welcome to the REAL rock and roll swindle"! After almost an hour intermission the restless crowd was met with members of The Lewd, Crime, and other bands, calling themselves TATTOO for the night and playing Rolling Stones covers. The crowd was so happy to hear the moldy hippie oldies they forgot they were mad, and after all, the sign outside had said, "TATTOO IS A LOCAL BAND" so they couldn't bitch about it much. Meanwhile, The Undead was upstairs at the On Broadway doing a second show of audience abuse. Damn, did we have fun AND make a lot of money that night.

We also pulled a similar scam a few months later when the U.S. Navy fleet was in and on leave in town. We specially booked the On Broadway upstairs weeks in advance, hand-picking the opening bands and this time headlining. Then we put up posters all over town. What sailor at sea for months could resist..
FREE BEER
NAKED LADY WRESTLERS
THE UNDEAD...?

Little did they know before they paid their admission and came inside that "FREE BEER" and "NAKED LADY WRESTLERS" were actually the name of the opening punk bands. Dirk was a little nervous about that one, fearing that there would be some riot of drunken sailors smashing the place up. But he needn't worry. They would stay for a couple songs, figure it out, then leave. After all, they only had a few hours liberty, why waste it here?

Anyway, these are some stories you can use on the web site. Just give me a credit and let folks know it is from a book I'm working on about the punk scene in those days.

BTW: Do you know how to get in contact with F. Stop Fitzgerald or Julie Stein? I know that both of them shot a lot of pictures of The Undead, because I saw them printed in magazines and books at the time. I know Ginger Coyote from PUNK GLOBE is living down here (in L.A.) someplace now, but I haven't seen her in awhile and don't know how to get in touch with her. She printed a ton of those photos in Punk Globe back then too.